How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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