got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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