I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
