pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
