its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the day after is always just damage control
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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