ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
