giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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