So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize