Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
