did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
