Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
