I am in a vortex of obligation.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize