So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You smell like stripper and shame
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
