Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
