Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
God, you're like boner-b-gone
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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