Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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