thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
