Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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