Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
