I want to stick my p in your. b.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
