Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
