you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize