you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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