Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I didn't notice because vodka
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
