There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Bring me that man meat
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
