my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize