note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
