Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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