He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
someone owes me an orgasm
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
