So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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