I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
