I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
