Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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