I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
