He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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