OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
