No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
