I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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