I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
