dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
