Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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