nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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