Your mouth is God's brothel.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
