The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Well I just put wine in my tea
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
