One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
