I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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