What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
