Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I'm really busy with my period
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