Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
