even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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