i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
