But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
