when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
