My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
