You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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