I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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