You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
