Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
