I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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