I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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