He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
