i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
