My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
