saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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