I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
