my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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