just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Damn victory sex feels great
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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