the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize