think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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